Bye Bye Little Blessing...

I want to get it all out...so here we go...

On Tuesday, October 26, after I got off work at Cheerful Cherubs, I took Little Man to McDonald's to eat lunch before heading over to our ultrasound appointment.

We got there a few minutes early for our appointment at 1:00.  The mister arrived around 1:10...but that was okay because they didn't call us back until around 1:30.  In the waiting room, I had fun pushing Little Man around in his stroller as he flirted with all the waiting women.

When we got back to the room, we were so excited to catch the first glimpse at our new little blessing.  We were getting an early ultrasound (I was 9 weeks and 1 day) to get an accurate due date.  We immediately saw the baby as the picture came up.  The baby was facing up and down, instead of side to side like we were used to seeing from the ones of Little Man.  I didn't notice a heartbeat, but I thought it might just be too early to see.

I watched her measuring the baby, and it kept measuring 8 weeks.  I knew that I was further along.  And then all of a sudden, it seemed like she was done.  I said, "Don't we get to see the baby's heartbeat?"  She said, "I'm going to let the doctor talk to you."

My heart sank.  The mister and I exchanged nervous looks.  I went to put my clothes on in the bathroom and the ultrasound tech took us to the nearest room.  We immediately started voicing what could be wrong.  I couldn't look up.  The mister kept saying, "I'm not going to think negatively until we see the doctor."

When she came in and sat down, she said something to this effect, "Well, it doesn't look like this pregnancy is going to progress any further. I'm so sorry."  I burst into tears.  I couldn't stop crying.  She assured us that there was nothing we could have done to cause this or prevent it from happening.  It's very common and 20% of all pregnancies end in a miscarriage.  She said that she would be on call tomorrow if I wanted to go ahead with a D&C or we could wait a week.  She also said that I could have the miscarriage happen at home, but it would be more painful with more bleeding.

Was this really happening?  I asked if she was sure, and she nodded her head.  I told her I wanted the D&C as soon as possible.

We had to then meet with the nurse who schedules the surgery.  We were told I would go to the hospital at 11 the next day for pre-op, and that the surgery would happen after that.

On the way home, I called my mom.  It was so hard to talk.  I couldn't believe I was having to say that they couldn't find a heartbeat and I would be having a D&C.  She said she would definitely be there for me.  I talked to all of my sisters that day as well.  They were all heartbroken...as we were.

I don't really remember the rest of that day.  I was in shock...very sad.  Still nauseous.  The mister took care of our son the rest of the day.  We curled up in bed I think and just watched tv.

The next morning, my mother and mother-in-law came.  We just hung out around the house waiting.  Around 10:30 we left for the hospital.  The mister and my mom dropped me off at the door to go check in.  I almost lost it when they asked what I was there for at the registration desk.

Then when we went up to the room, we had to stop at another desk...where they again asked what I was there for..."A D&C" I said without holding back my tears.  I cried all the way to the room and really couldn't stop.  Why is this happening?  I felt like we waited in that room forever!  We prayed.  They took my blood and started the IV eventually.   We waited some more.  When she finally came in to take me to pre-op, the floodgates opened again.  This is really happening... They allowed my mom and husband to come back with me since I was so upset.  They had also made me take out my contacts so I really couldn't see a thing.

In pre-op, they explained what was going to be happening and then we realized I would have to do more waiting.  I was so glad that my mom and husband were with me because I waited another 45 minutes.  Right before they took me to the OR, the anesthesiologist gave me some sedatives.  I remember getting to the OR, but nothing after that until waking up in recovery.  I remember asking how long I had been there and the nurse fed me some ice chips.

We got back to the room where I used the bathroom.  I got back in bed and just felt a little pressure on my right side.  I eventually felt better.  I was very hungry.  I was given some graham crackers and a Mt. Dew.  After a little while, I was ready to go.  We left the hospital and then realized they hadn't given me my prescription for pain and antibiotics.  So we had to turn around and they gave me my packet.

On the way home, we stopped by Sweet Pea's and picked up a grilled cheese, fries, and ranch dressing.  It was delicious!  I ate it at home.  My mom left a little while later.  I was fine for most of that night, just talking with my mother-in-law and husband.  We went to bed around 10:30, but I wasn't tired and didn't feel like I would go to sleep, so we watched tv for an hour.  Then, I went to sleep...

I kept waking up and around 3:00 am, the mister was snoring.  After 30 minutes, he claimed I "attacked" him.  At about 4:00, I just got up and went to the closet and read.  I got back in bed around 5:30 and watched tv.  I stayed in bed most of the morning.  My sister-in-law and her son came later and we ate lunch (spaghetti) and went on a walk around the neighborhood.  They left later that afternoon.

I continued to read and try not to think about everything.  When I do think about it, I keep telling myself, "It's okay. It's okay." I know that it will be okay; it just is hard now.  I still am in shock.  I can't believe this has actually happened.  Really?  I'm no longer pregnant.

When I went driving around today with my son, a lady cut me off, and it made me so mad...my eyes started tearing up.  Any little thing will set off my emotions.  When my husband got off work today, we went on a walk at the civic center, and pushed Little Man in the swing.  I have been looking on the internet a lot about other people's experiences.  I know everyone handles things differently.

I know that time will help to heal things.  I have faith that I will be pregnant again soon.  I pray that I am able to be happy in the pregnancy and not constantly worried.  I know that I am so blessed to have my son already here.  He helps me to get through the days... I know that I will be thinking about this a lot in the coming days and weeks, but I also know that everything will be okay.  It will be.  I am going to get through this.  It is now a part of my journey and I am going to be a stronger person because of it.  I am already looking at life differently.  I do tend to think of what I could have done to prevent or change things, but I know that it is not my fault.

I will lean on God and support from my family...

Everything is going to be okay.  It's okay. It's okay. It's okay!

Update

Well, we had a very sad day today.  We went to the doctor to hear your heartbeat, and it was not there.  We most likely lost you one week ago.  We are very heartbroken.  I am having a DNC procedure tomorrow.  We are completely saddened that we are losing you, but know that you are happy and healthy where you are now.  God is going to comfort us and get us through this difficult time.  We are excited to begin trying as soon as we can for a new little brother or sister.

We love you with all of our hearts,

Mama and Daddy

Weekly Update: 8 weeks!

Dear New Little Blessing,

We had our first doctor's appointment last Tuesday.  Everything went well.  I talked to the counselor to update her on our family history.  They did bloodwork and of course a pregnancy test to confirm the pregnancy :)  I had a physical exam and all is well!  We get to see you for the first time next week on October 26th, and we are so excited!!

Weekly Update

How far along? I am 8 weeks today!  

How big is the baby? About the size of a large raspberry :)

  

Weight Gain?  None yet.

Symptoms? Pretty much all day morning sickness.  It's no fun at all.  Your dad has to bring me breakfast before I get out of bed.  I vary between eating oatmeal, egg white sandwiches, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Toast, and Eggo waffles.  I am tired a lot and have been trying to take naps when your brother does!

Maternity Clothes?  Not yet.

Sleep?  I'm taking a Unisom every night before bed to help with the morning sickness, and it also helps me sleep great!  Still getting at least 8 hours each night.

Best moment of the week? The best moment was going to the doctor!  Even though we didn't get to hear your heartbeat yet...it was comforting to know that you were getting good care!  We did have to wait forever!  The appointment was at 1:00 and we didn't leave the office until 3:00!

  

Food Cravings?  No real cravings yet.

Food aversions?  Everything.  I never feel like eating anything!

Gender?  Not sure yet.  Thinking boy this week...no maybe girl! I don't know!

Movement?  You're still too small for me to feel any movement, although you are able to move now!

What I Miss?  Thinking that food tastes good :(

Belly Button? Still an innie!

What I am looking forward to? Getting over the morning sickness and getting into the next trimester!  Also looking forward to telling family near the end of this week!! So excited! :)

Milestone? No milestones yet.  We are trying to teach your brother how to say "baby."  He's working on it.  It's also fun to hear him try and say, "Apple."


We can't wait to share the exciting news of you with our family!  We are going to tell everyone this weekend!  We have already told some of our friends that don't live near the family.  I told my friend Brooke in Texas because she is expecting her second around the same time!  And Blake told his friend Justin, who is about to get engaged!!


Stay healthy and strong! We love you!


Mama

Weekly Update: 7 weeks!

Dear New Little Blessing,

I am so glad that I am at 7 weeks...I'm just ready to be at 12 weeks now and through with the first trimester!!  I am definitely getting more symptoms now, and not anything fun!

Weekly Update

How far along?  7 weeks!

How big is the baby?  About the size of a blueberry :)

Weight Gain?  None yet...Although I look like I have more of a belly in this pic!

Symptoms?  Yes :(  The morning sickness has set in.  It comes and goes throughout the day but it is no fun at all!  I also get really bloated!  One day this week, I looked like I was 4 months pregnant!  Ready to say good-bye to the first trimester and hopefully this "morning" (all-day!) sickness!  Oh, and the smells!  Everything smells!  Again, the smell of our pantry makes me want to throw up and different whiffs I get throughout the day make me queasy.

Maternity Clothes? Not yet.  

Sleep?  Taking a Unisom before bed every night to try and help with the morning sickness.  Still getting a good 8 hours in.

Best moment of the week?  Well...amid all the morning sickness, we did manage to get out and take your brother to Greenville for Fall for Greenville.  He also got his first haircut!

Food Cravings?  None yet...

Food aversions?  Everything!  I don't want to eat anything.  

Gender?  I really just don't know.  Either way I'll be happy!

Movement?  I know it's just the gas...but I feel like I can feel you moving ;)

What I Miss?  Feeling well and being able to eat whatever I want!

Belly Button? Still an innie!

What I am looking forward to?  The second trimester!

Milestone? No milestones yet...but we do have a doctor's appt tomorrow!

We can't wait to get to the first doctor's appointment tomorrow!  I don't think we will find out anything about you yet...but we will get to learn when we will get to see you through an ultrasound for the first time and hear your heartbeat!  We are looking forward to meeting you in 7 1/2 months!

Love, 

Mama

Weekly Update: 6 weeks! (and one day)

Dear New Little Blessing,

We have had a crazy week!  I was very worried about you this week because we went to housesit in Charlotte and visit some of your cousins, aunts, and grandparents, and we all got sick!  I am finally feeling better, and I pray that you are alright too!  We will going to the doctor next week for our first appointment, and we are very excited about it!

Weekly Update

How far along?  6 weeks, 1 day 

How big is the baby?  No bigger than a nail head!  

Weight Gain?  None yet...still 125.

Symptoms?  Got a stomach bug Saturday night, and it sure felt a lot like morning sickness, but it was just the bug...started feeling better Tuesday night.  Other than that, no symptoms!  

Maternity Clothes?  Not needed.

Sleep?  Not so great while I was sick, but still manageable!

Best moment of the week?  When your brother fell asleep in his "car" while we were pushing him on a walk.  So cute...he almost hit his head on the steering wheel.  Daddy carried him the rest of the way.

Food Cravings?  Ugh.  Still can't really think about food because of the stomach bug!

Food aversions?  No appetite with this stomach bug!

Gender?  Still unknown!

Movement?  When I was sick, I put the remote on my stomach, and it started pulsing like your heart was beating.  I showed my mom...but she laughed.  We both knew it was really just my heart :)

What I Miss?  This week, I have missed feeling good and going on walks with your brother!

Belly Button? Still an innie!

What I am looking forward to? Seeing my belly grow, and getting to tell everyone!

Milestone? Well, I ended up telling my mom about you while I was sick!  Your dad and brother left for home early Sunday morning (the bug hadn't hid them yet), and I stayed at GiGi and Grandaddy's house.  GiGi was trying to make me take medicine to feel better, but I didn't know if it was safe to take while pregnant...so I was trying to ask your dad on the phone to look it up on the computer.  He kept saying, "Does she know?" and I said no, but Mama was in the room and heard him ask, so I said, "She might know now!"  And she said, "Are you pregnant?"  I just laughed and said, "She knows."  She said, "I never get to find out in a fun way!" But she congratulated us and told us we were going to have our hands full!

I love you so much.  Still praying for you everyday.  

Love, 

Mama